Merry Xmas. I am so sexy look at me I can do the splits in Santa’s face. I bet my Christmas was way sexier than yours, don’t be jelus. I ate a lot of food and also watched a stupid movie that had Hollywood actors in it.

Thanks,

Lisa

Well, it’s official. I’ve finally lost my mind. I made a pickle costume for our dog, Deli. There’s probably a special place in hell for folks that dress their dogs up in costumes like this. Specifically, I’m guessing I’ll have to roast in the hellishly hot foam rubber of a pickle costume for all of eternity. Seems like a fair trade.

Also, I’d like to reiterate to my girlfriend that “going to paint the pickle” is not a euphemism for masturbation.

Happy Halloween to all the other crazies out there.

www.toferchin.com

Please do not Judge me Judy. I don’t like it. But I do love you, Judge Judy. I do! You da judge, you call down da hammer on da people in court. I have no idea why I’m talking like this. At least this is not my tattoo, and also I am so grateful I do not have a tribal design tattooed over my left breast, which I think about often. Yes, I often (ok fine daily) think about how grateful I am to not have something that I never thought about doing anyway.

Lisa

Permanent Zack attack. Smart Choice. Although Corey Haim has nothing to do with this, he is awesome and has really good hair.

Lisa

I know we’ve posted Drew Droege’s CHLOE SEVIGNY on Diamond Dusted before. And clearly, as the last post about Keyboard Cat – who rode the wave of internet popularity a staggering two years ago – might suggest, we’re not exactly on the cutting edge of COOL on THE WORLD WIDE WEB. But we’re ok with that. How about, think of us more like the moment inside the moment inside the moment.

Knock Knock!
Who’s There?
Natasha Lyonne.
Natasha Lyonne who?
Just Kidding She’s in the Hospital with Hepatitis C….

“Have a conversation about Fassbinder, Irony, or Proenza Schouler.”

"And now for a scary story: I recently attended the grand re-opening of the Nissan Sherman Oaks. I was wearing pleated Palazzo pants by Cathy Pill, a throat buckle by Skin Graft, and patronizing chunk wedges by Nine West..."

We love you Chloe!!!

- Samantha

Recently I was asked to come up with a list of things I liked, since I found I was feeling like I was not enjoying anything in Life. I could not come up with anything. I had so many sads, so, so many sads. Until I realized I did like one thing: Keyboard Cat. It’s true- while drowning in a Sea of Despair of Feelings About Life, the one thing to pull me out, my big “Aha! moment” came from Keyboard Cat. I love him, look at his smile while he jams, he’s so delighted inside and he has the Most Fun Ever With Himself. I wish I was you, Keyboard Cat. But I am not. I am just me, Lisa Roth, the Greatest Person To Ever Also Be Bored and Full of Sads For No Apparent Reason.

And even though you are dead Keyboard Cat, I still love you. And I would still be happy to be you, even as a dead You. You are the best that ever lived, except for my dead dog Morty. You are my inspiration and you are also what it looks like if I was forced at gunpoint to go to Oprah’s website and answer the question: “Please put an image of how you want to feel inside, all of the time.”

I could watch this freaking video for hours. It’s true, I can’t lie to you about this. That would be terrible. Lying is awful, and it hurts so bad to be lied to. It hurts so bad! So I will not do that to you.

I will however, share this awesome Keyboard Cat and Corey Haim video with you, which I feel potentially the same if not more delight from than the original Full Length Keyboard Cat video. Clearly when Corey says “oneuffwuss Eexxtraexxtra read all abootiiiittt” he is speaking to my heart. And yes, that’s nearly exactly what he says. I love you and your hair Corey Haim! I’ll never forget you. Never.

I love this cat. He is so hilarious and he really knows how to jam.

Lisa

It’s not that I don’t like cats, I do. In fact, I like all god’s creatures except for cockroaches, Donald Trump, and possums. But I just don’t want cats. I don’t want them living with me, and I really don’t want them pooping in their little litter boxes and spending 45 minutes obsessively trying to bury the world’s stinkiest turd and then ultimately failing and dragging half the turd and kitty litter around my house. And potty training your cat to shit in a toilet. Forget it.

Cats are weird. They have secret agendas. If you were suddenly shrunk to 1/20th your size and had body parts that flailed they would kill you in a heart beat. No questions asked. So you can only imagine how overjoyed I was when I was the lucky owner of a couple cats several years ago. They mostly just hid in my sweater closet or under the bed. Occasionally when I’d have a guy sleepover, they’d come out of hiding and spend hours running across us as we slept. When one of them jumped up on a window sill and dumped a jar of liquid turpentine on itself and wound up in the ICU I was traumatized. Mostly because it cost several thousand dollars (my dad’s reaction: Just euthenize it!!! Words of kind beauty from a man who once drowned kittens in a burlap sack in a river. He was living in the french countryside and claimed as we cried hysterically that it was “a cultural thing”). It was also traumatizing because the cat was returned to me as a disabled cat robot.

Having been utterly poisoned by the turpentine, It could no longer breath or eat or walk or shit without assistance and it had tubes connected to machines to help it live each little special kitty minute. I spent months injecting GRUEL into a tube that was surgically connected to it’s stomach. It had a special little kitty sling to hold the tube and sometimes the tube would fall out and the poor terrified kitty would race across the floor convinced a tube monster was after it. Eventually after thousands of dollars and hours of care bionic kitty was healed. I moved bionic kitty and my other cat who was addicted to marijuana (from a roomate); he was depressed and overweight and paranoid (the cat, not the roomate) to Los Angeles so we could begin our lives again. The cats experienced a joy and freedom they were unaware of in their lives in the East Village. They were happy, perhaps.

It didn’t last long. Within a year of moving, both cats, Bionic kitty and Stoner, had fallen victim to coyotes. It was strange, one day they were chasing invisible mice in plastic bags and the next day they were gone. I was sad, but the circle of life must go on. And it does.

Samantha

What a great song this is that has nothing to do with my pug Harold. Unfortunately I have no idea how to put this link in here so you can just hear the song, but it’s a goodie. I like this band The Avett Brothers. I am also probably very late on this train, but I don’t care because I am not Really Really Cool anymore so there is no longer any pressure for me to know everything the world that is Cool. How liberating!

Anyhoo, I just love this song, and since there is nothing hilarious about that, it’s not very discussion worthy. Unless of course I decide to get very serious and heartfelt and emotionally disclosurey here on the internet. Which I am not going to do, except of course in my mind. In my mind I will tell you all kinds of things about all kinds of stuff and about feelings and such.

So if you can read my mind, go for it. We will be sharing in the world of mental telepathies!

Lisa

This is my pal, Melinda Hill. She is a funny lady. She has been on television, which you can see if you watch this video above where she talks about things like jokes and her mother and also parties. She has many things to say, since she has started writing on her website for 365 days a year. She is on like day 5 or something, so you are lucky because now you can read what she has to say for like a guaranteed 360 more days.

Which is a lot more than you can read around here, and I’m sorry for that. Someone, meaning me, has been working outside in the real world. This means that I have not been able to lay in bed all day with pugs and other glorious things like taking showers whenever I feel like it, which just so happened to be not much during the entire month of December. The upside however is that I am not homeless and also I can speak to people better in the face since I actually have to interact with them now, within breathing distance. I mean I was doing ok over the internet and phone, but people get bummed when they only see you in pajamas, so my friends seem to be much happier with my newfound image of a Clothes Wearing Person.

Anyway you should really read Melinda’s website . Not just because she’s funny or because she’s my friend, but mainly because she’s been on television. People really think that’s important.

Lisa