While you probably already have a major fetish for shoulder pads, vintage t-shirts, a huge tie dye collection, and a really cool nickname that you didn’t have to give yourself and some really awesome facial hair, you might be wondering how to get to the next level of coolness. Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s actually really not as hard as you might think. Forget about headbands and black rimmed glasses – those were so last year – what you need to do to sky rocket you to super coolness is so simple, so basic, you’re not going to believe me that it could be THIS EASY to be THAT COOL!
Ok, so step 1. Form a band. You don’t actually have to have any musical skills, rhythm, or talent. And you don’t even need to have a lot of friends – all you need is ONE friend!! Preferably one friend with really cool hair who can either play the drums (or operate a sythesizer) or sing – it really doesn’t matter which one of you does which, you’ll figure it out.
Ok. So, now you’ve got your band and you’re ready for step 2 – and this is the really, really important step. Pick a name for your band. While your options for a band name are unlimited, there is one super special secret ingredient to help make you and your band retardedly cool. Ok, so the secret is…. are you ready for it?? ANIMALS!! Yes!! Your band name must include the name of at least one type of animal (heck, maybe even two!!) for you to kill it at hardcore coolness.
Below are some examples I have compiled to help inspire your animal band name. Don’t be intimidated if you are really attached to an animal name that has already been used! It’s totally cool to use it and just add another word. Just keep in mind that there are definitely some animals that are better then others. For example, anything in the woodland forrest creature land will score you major points, while dog breeds and aquatic animals will not:
Gorilla V. Bear
Crystal Antlers (In fact, anything with the word CRYSTAL in it will get you score you some serious points. See also: Crystal Castles, Crystal Stilts)
Band of Horses
Them Crooked Vultures
Bat For Lashes
See!! Its just SO SIMPLE!! You are now OFFICIALLY COOL!!! Ok… Now book a gig for yourself at your local dive bar and make sure you dress like a cross between Davy Crocket and Bill Cosby. It will also help if you get super wasted and get as naked as is legally possible – don’t worry about offending anyone – you can’t, you are too cool.
Tags: American Apparel, animal collective, billy crystal, crystal antlers, crystal method, crystal stilts, crystals, how to be really cool, irony, Look at this fucking hipster, Pabst Blue Ribbon, The Death of Cool, Urban Outfitters