Merry Xmas Eve everyone! This Christmas Eve I feel like a failure. I have no hilarious and also retarded family stories to tell about Christmas. Yes, I am Jewish, but still, you would think something awful involving vomit and police would have happened at least once on the eve of the baby Jesus’ birthday when I was growing up. Truth be told, it probably did, but I just don’t remember.
What I do remember is being very angry one time that all of my friends were going to hang out at Elen Kim’s house on a day that was nowhere near Xmas. I was 15 years old and I decided I would show them what’s what, and I got drunk for the very first time, by myself. I was really smart, so I knew what to do and how to do it. I took a large white plastic cup from my kitchen, which had a graph pattern on it in all of the roygbv colors of the rainbow and I brought it to the bar in our family’s downstairs playroom. I still have no idea why we had a bar since my Dad “has never been drunk in his entire life” and my stepmother only drank champagne in Las Vegas on New Years Eve once. Well, that I saw anyway, and it was ugly.
I took red wine, gin, whiskey, and some other good shit like Diet Coke and poured it all in the cup together. Next, I pounded that shit and it was disgusting. I have no idea how I got to Elen Kim’s house but the next thing I knew there I was, in her room, telling my ‘friends’ who didn’t invite me over on purpose about Rob Lowe and I on the school bus. Next thing I knew, in a shockingly Klassy move, I was throwing up red all over Ana Kim’s non English speaking Korean father who was holding my hair for me while I attempted to throw up in his toilet. Sadly, most of it ended up on their white carpet, while I said “blood.. blood…” upon seeing the red stains on that really pretty white korean carpet.
Somehow my father came and picked me up in his white BMW with tinted windows, which has nothing to do with this story, but it’s important to include the details from what I have been told by my “outside helpers.” In a move that was neither shocking nor uncommon, he was crying. “Whyyyyyyy did you get drunk Liiiiiiisaaaaa!? Why would you do this to meeeeee?” I was so happy. He really seemed to care about me. Finally. I smiled on the inside and forced myself to cry back at him on the outside. “I’m so sorry Dad, I’ll nevah do it again” I lied. I planned on getting wasted the very next night, now that I saw the attention it got me. Soon, I was throwing up on myself all over Westlake Village, California and the surrounding areas.
Merry Christmas Eve everyone!